2001-07-07 - 10:09 p.m. - scared of forever

dear ida,

didnt we have this agreement to write each other once a month? yes yes, i know ... and ive been miss lazy about it and so i dont know where to start.

worried about you, mostly. lack of communication does that. you know us leo types; being ignored is the thing that drives us crazy most in the world. it's the silence that reminds us that we are, indeed, not the center of the universe.

i worry about you out there in the heat; working too hard, taking care of bill. i always feel cautious asking about bill and how's he's doing but it concerns me so. i know you try to put on a brave face and say 'it's all okay,' or 'bill had a rough day, but we'll manage' and i know deep down how worried to pieces you are about this - this! - ugh, its so much more than that, isnt it? well. you know you and he are always in my prayers. always in my heart.

so an update? hmmm. its almost embarrassing and not surprising where to start. you-know-who made an unexpected comeback and then just has quickly faded away again leaving me with that silence that cuts to the very core. the equal amounts of love and hate i manage to feel for him astound me. there are no words to describe how it feels knowing he's too scared for us to ever have a chance at forever. that i'll have to share that with another. and that, somehow, i will.

took a brief trip, in the midst of all this, to our old stomping grounds. lovely to visit, not to live - as we were both wise enough to figure out. i miss the normalness of the card games outback at the picnic table under the peach tree - but i dont miss the smalltownness that drove me out.

not one bit.

but i do miss you. so please, let's not go this long again, okay? how are you my darling ida mae? how are you?

xo, me.

 

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